Save us Will Smith

The following is a quick 700 word flash fiction story. The submission call was looking for emails sent during a zombie invasion, and needed to be in actual email format. Initially I had looked over this anthology and the company publishing it altogether, but the seed was planted and this tongue in cheek story of one obsessed fan mostly wrote itself. Unfortunately, shortly after writing and submitting the story, the anthology was cancelled, and in turn the company folded. It appears my original assessment was correct, but at least now you get to read it for free, enjoy.

Save us Will Smith

Alex Azar

To: Will Smith (the.man@willsmith.com)

From: Carl “#1 Fan” Tucker (1wsmithfan@qmail.com)

Mr. Smith, I know you’ve ignored my emails in the past, thinking me as just a crazed fan. And I am one, one among many.

This time however, I’m not writing about my movie idea (which I still think you’d be perfect for), but I’m not sure if you’ve noticed in your presumably lavish California mansion, but we in New Jersey are experiencing the first State-side signs of the zombie virus that plagued the UK.

I’m only bothering you because I know you’ve dealt with these kinds of things before, and you are a ‘Legend’ at it (yes, pun intended). I would have called your agent again, but the phones haven’t been working for a few days, and I’m piggybacking off of a neighbor’s Wi-Fi, and honestly, I’m scared of Jada.

I thought about emailing Bruce Campbell, but he laughed at my last movie pitch for him, so I blacklisted him, as if he has so much on his plate. You can read about it in my blog at… you know the site by now.

Oh right, the zombies. Well they’ve gotten my sister (no big lose there) but my parents are very upset about it, and are begging me to leave my room and join them. But I’ve seen the movies, I know the second I open my door, either my parents will turn, or some other zombies will break into the apartment. No thanks. I’ve got a month’s supply of Mountain Dew and PopTarts before I have to resort to my secret stash of Camo beer and beef jerky. I trust by that time, you’ll have come and saved us.

We're still not sure how the plague spread across the 'pond', but we know it started at the Jersey shore. From there it spread quicker than herpes at a frat party. New York City quickly cut off the bridges and tunnels saving the city, and the National Guard has prevented anyone from leaving. Oddly enough they're still allowing people to enter Jersey, but there never was a high amount of visitors here in the first place.

Still, even with those precautions we have to assume the zombies will breach the borders. It's that thought process that I'm trying to reason with you. If you could help us here and now, and prevent this from spreading, it'll be easier than having to save the whole country, and waiting for them to reach California.

Also, do you remember my girlfriend? I mentioned her in a couple of emails, well she hasn't been answering my emails, and I haven't talked to her in a while so I'm getting a little worried. I know she never answered my emails, or voice mails, or DM's, or texts, but now something might actually be wrong. Her last Facebook post was “OMG zombies :*(” I don't know if they got her or if she's safe. I was hoping you could check on her on your way to Jersey since she lives close to the border of Pennsylvania.

I don't want to bother you anymore, but one more thing. If the zombies have taken over New Jersey, there's going to be a lot of them. People underestimate how large of a population Jersey has. I was thinking maybe you should bring some help. I have a list of people I think are specially qualified for this situation. In no particular order;

Ving Rhames, Milla Jovovich, Woody Harrelson, and Simon Pegg should round out the team nicely. If Rose McGowan still has that machine gun leg, she'd fit perfectly, plus I don't think she's too busy nowadays anyway. And I guess if you think we need more help, I can remove Bruce Campbell from the blacklist.

I'd email all these people myself, but I think you'd have bigger sway since you are Will Smith after all. Plus, I don't know how much longer I'll have access to the Wi-Fi, and I need to post this email on my blog.

I can't wait to finally see you again, I assume the restraining order is null in lieu of the zombie apocalypse? Cool, thanks.

Your biggest fan,

Carl 'Agent C' Tucker

By,
Alex Azar



As a side note, I had originally conceived this story with the fan writing to Bruce Campbell as mentioned in this final take, however I recalled a comic/TV movie that he had done that was along a similar premise. I then began of thinking of other actors who've fought zombies in movies, and for whatever reason I chose Will Smith. Other actors I had thought of were all mentioned in 'Carl's' email: Ving Rhames (Dawn of the Dead), Milla Jovovich (The Resident Evil series), Woody Harrelson (Zombieland) and Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead)

Bacon Product #5...

...Air Freshener
 
Any girlie man can have a pin-tree air freshener hanging from their rearview mirror, but it takes a special kind of person to fill their car (more likely a Hummer or Ford Bronco) with the sweet satisfying aroma of bacon to embrace all those that enter.  Guys, this is a great way to subtly hint to your date what you'd like for breakfast the following morning.  It's got to work, right?

Bacon Product #4

Bacon Adhesive Bandages

Not many people know this about me, but band aids skeeve me out, especially if they're used for something other than their intended purpose, but after seeing these I might have to reconsider my stance on adhesive bandages.  Aside from the great looks, and implied amazing taste, they come with a free toy! how can anyone resist?

Rejection 8: Little Changes (again)

There's something about rejection letters that don't bother to say my name or mention the name of the story I sent that really pisses me off.  I've said it before, I'm okay with rejections, but have the common decency to show that you know who you're even emailing.  The unprofessionalism of this rejection letter, gives me pause when considering to submit with them again.


Thank you for your recent submission to WEP's Once Bitten, Never Die. Unfortunately, we have decided to pass on your story. This is not reflective of the quality of your writing, we just didn't feel it was a good fit for this anthology.

 We hope you will continue to submit your work to WEP, and wish you the best of luck in all of your writing endeavors.


Sincerely,


JAW, WEP\
 
You wouldn't know it from reading that but this is for the story Little Changes, and as you may recall, I acknowledge this isn't my best writing, but I believed it fit nicely with what the anthology was asking for. Seemingly unable to find a home for this story, I'll be posting it up on the blog shortly, judge for yourselves.

Bacon Product #3

Bacon Gumballs!


For those that need that continued bacon flavor throughout the day, inbetween breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Your loved one won't be able to get enough of your bacon flavored kisses.